Press Release November 23, 2008
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Surviving Thanksgiving: Top Ten Snappy Comebacks to Rude Family Questions
This Thursday will bring families closer together over the annual Thanksgiving dinner, and for many, it’s a wonderful time of sharing and warmth. But for some people, it’s a little too close.
“There are those relatives who know just how to push your buttons,” says A. C. Kemp, author of The Perfect Insult for Every Occasion. “Every year, you think you’ve grown a thicker skin, but after an hour or two, you find yourself hiding in the pantry to avoid questions about why you’re still not married.”
A trained psychologist might suggest therapy to overcome the stress brought on by the holidays. Kemp, however, supplies tongue-in-cheek advice through her alter ego, anti-etiquette guru Lady Arabella Snark.
The fictional socialite, whose interpersonal pointers would make Miss Manners choke on her turkey, recommends starting your festivities with a quart of brandy. Then you can handle difficult family members by putting them in their proper place: beneath you.
Lady Snark’s Top Ten Thanksgiving Comebacks
1. Don’t you think you’d look prettier if you lost weight?
-Yes, but then it would be more difficult to crush you.
2. Your pumpkin pie isn’t as good as Mom’s. What’s that weird taste?
-Arsenic.
3. Why aren’t you married?
-I guess I’m just afraid of settling, the way Uncle Milton did with you.
4. When are you going to have a baby?
-Didn’t Mom ever tell you I was born a boy?
5. Are you still paying back those student loans?
-Actually, the government just writes them off if you drop out of college to become a junkie.
6. Don’t you want to pull my finger?
-Not unless I can take it all the way off.
7. Why are you still at that dead end job?
-I guess they haven’t noticed the embezzling yet.
8. Why do you allow your son Timmy to watch so much television? Don’t you know how bad that is for a child?
-It’s the only thing that keeps him away from the knives.
9. Why do you wear so much makeup?
-It’s a professional requirement for my job as a harlot.
10. Since you’re only twenty-three, I can get you a great deal on some life insurance! What do you say?
-I don’t think I’d qualify. I’m planning to commit suicide after dessert.
Print or online media may reprint the previous excerpt with the following attribution: "Excerpted from The Perfect Insult for Every Occasion: Lady Snark’s Guide to Common Discourtesy, copyright © 2008 by A.C. Kemp."
