Lady Snark’s Top Ten Comebacks to Rude Family Questions

1. Don’t you think you’d look prettier if you lost weight?

Yes, but then it would be more difficult to crush you.

2. Your pumpkin pie isn’t as good as Mom’s. What’s that weird taste?


3. Why aren’t you married?

I guess I’m just afraid of settling, the way Uncle Milton did with you.

4. When are you going to have a baby?

Didn’t Mom ever tell you I was born a boy?

5. Are you still paying back those student loans?

Actually, the government just writes them off if you drop out of college to become a junkie.

6. Don’t you want to pull my finger?

Not unless I can take it all the way off.

7. Why are you still at that dead end job?

I guess they haven’t noticed the embezzling yet.

8. Why do you allow your son Timmy to watch so much television? Don’t you know how bad that is for a child?

It’s the only thing that keeps him away from the knives.

9. Why do you wear so much makeup?

It’s a professional requirement for my job as a harlot.

10. Since you’re only twenty-three, I can get you a great deal on some life insurance! What do you say?

I don’t think I’d qualify. I’m planning to commit suicide after dessert.

Excerpted from The Perfect Insult for Every Occasion: Lady Snark’s Guide to Common Discourtesy, copyright © 2008 by A.C. Kemp. A perfect stocking stuffer at only $9.95.

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